Day 352- The next battle

I just want to take a moment, before I start praising the efforts of those who have been fighting for the civil rights of men and women in the armed forces, to call out those who voted against those rights today, or who decided not to vote at all.

The following Senators:

Alexander (R-TN), Nay
Barrasso (R-WY), Nay
Bennett (R-UT), Nay
Bond (R-MO), Nay
Brownback (R-KS), Nay
Bunning (R-KY), Not Voting
Burr (R-NC), Nay
Chambliss (R-GA), Nay
Coburn (R-OK), Nay
Cochran (R-MS), Nay
Corker (R-TN), Nay
Cornyn (R-TX), Nay
Crapo (R-ID), Nay
DeMint (R-SC), Nay
Ensign (R-NV), Nay
Enzi (R-WY), Nay
Graham (R-SC), Nay
Grassley (R-IA), Nay
Gregg (R-NH), Not Voting
Hatch (R-UT), Not Voting
Hutchison (R-TX), Nay
Inhofe (R-OK), Nay
Isakson (R-GA), Nay
Johanns (R-NE), Nay
Kyl (R-AZ), Nay
LeMieux (R-FL), Nay
Lugar (R-IN), Nay
Manchin (D-WV), Not Voting
McCain (R-AZ), Nay
McConnell (R-KY), Nay
Risch (R-ID), Nay
Roberts (R-KS), Nay
Sessions (R-AL), Nay
Shelby (R-AL), Nay
Thune (R-SD), Nay
Vitter (R-LA), Nay
Wicker (R-MS), Nay

are all cowards. The men and women on this list ought to be ashamed of themselves and their votes today. If any of my readers hail from the states represented by these Senators, I encourage you to e-mail them to express your displeasure at the way they have represented you and the other citizens of your state. It doesn't matter that the motion passed, that history has passed by these aging bigots and their old world views. These men and women, at least today, did not support American troops the way they deserve to be supported.

Dear Mr. President,

I was at work today when my phone alerted me to a new e-mail from you. It began:

Moments ago, the Senate voted to end "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

When that bill reaches my desk, I will sign it, and this discriminatory law will be repealed.

Gay and lesbian service members -- brave Americans who enable our freedoms -- will no longer have to hide who they are.

The fight for civil rights, a struggle that continues, will no longer include this one.

I think this is my favorite way to receive such good news. Not to live up to your accusation of the left being totally impossible to please or anything, but I can't help fixating on the idea that troops who are risking their lives to serve our country can't marry the people they love. We'll let them serve- now even openly- but we won't let them marry their partners. I know, I know, you and congress need a minute to breathe, to recover from this long-overdue fight, but this is too important to rest. It is unfathomable to ask gay and lesbian Americans to serve a country that still legally treats them as second-class citizens.

So while you're celebrating this hard-fought victory, I hope that you are looking ahead to the next battle. I want to feel proud of my country today, hearing news like this, but I can't help lamenting the distance we have before us, the long way we have yet to go.

Anyway, thanks for the e-mail. Keep up the good work.

Respectfully yours,

Kelsey

Day 346- "Bigotry disguised as prudence"

It still seems an unwritten rule in establishment Washington that homophobia is at most a misdemeanor. By this code, the Smithsonian’s surrender is no big deal; let the art world do its little protests. This attitude explains why the ever more absurd excuses concocted by John McCain for almost single-handedly thwarting the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” are rarely called out for what they are — “bigotry disguised as prudence,” in the apt phrase of Slate’s military affairs columnist, Fred Kaplan.

-Frank Rich "Gay Bashing at the Smithsonian"

Dear Mr. President,

Frank Rich's column in the New York Times is worth reading, and not just for the brilliant and characteristically eloquent way he takes down the hypocrites crying "hate speech" about the Smithsonian's exhibit including "A Fire in My Belly." Beyond the cold political outrage, Rich draws a parallel between the deaths of bullied gay teens and the deaths of so many artists and the ones they loved to AIDS. His words convey a palpable helplessness, the frustration of watching from a distance as so many suffer and die needlessly as those in power condemn them, of listening as the hateful bullying from the right once is once again allowed to marginalize the gay community without objection.

I can relate to the way Rich feels. It's appalling to see the Smithsonian capitulate to the homophobic bullies on the right offended by art. And while Republicans in congress pile on their own objections, they continue to hold up repealing Don't Ask Don't Tell, and, as Rich notes, have yet to participate in the anti-bullying it gets better project. I think that common sense tells us a piece of art that some find offensive is far less deserving of the condemnation of members of congress than a national epidemic of homophobia and its attending death and suffering. I don't understand. I know I am removed from it, living in the privilege of a white-skinned heterosexual body. But I couldn't help but see the faces of my friends in the stories of the young artists dying of and losing loved ones to AIDS, of the boys giving up on life because they fear they will never live and be accepted for who they are. I see them in these stories and I ache for losing them and seeing their losses. Most of all, I feel angry. Angry that I cannot protect them from people like this, people with the power to help them who do nothing but make it worse and then have the audacity to get angry about their expressions of frustration. It is unsurprising that a religion wielded as a tool of oppression will become the target of criticism and frustration by those it oppresses.

Heterosexual Christians wrote the laws of this country. They have determined who can vote, who can marry, whose lives are worth funding research to save and who gets to serve in the military. It is long past time for it to be ok to make and display and honor art that expresses the pain at the damage that their system has caused. The Smithsonian made a mistake, backing down in the face of this manufactured controversy. I think it is time that you (and more of those with the power to change our cultural acceptance of homophobia) stood up and said so.

Mr. President you campaigned on the promise that life for gay and lesbian Americans would be better under your administration than under President Bush's. While there may be a limit on how many minds you can legislate into acceptance, there are unjust laws that are within your power to change. The alteration of this exhibit at the Smithsonian may seem like a small thing, but it is the latest in a long series of capitulations to the idea that not only is being gay unacceptable, being angry at the way the rest of the country treats you isn't either.

Please read Mr. Rich's column, Mr. President, and ask yourself if you are still fine doing nothing on this issue.

Respectfully yours,

Kelsey

Day 276- Roads taken and otherwise

Dear Mr. President,

I'm having one of those weeks where everything in my life is up for questioning. Am I happy? Am I doing the right thing? Am I making the right choices? What are my goals? Maybe it's back-to-school time getting to me, or the overabundance of sentimental movies I've been watching lately. Facing this general uncertainty always inclines me to look back, to evaluate the decision and compromises and mistakes I've made in the past. (It also leads to a lot of baking.) I see old boyfriends and high school classmates getting married, settling down, having children. Sometimes I worry that kind of normal adulthood is just never going to appeal to me. People my age want careers, houses, cars, families. I want something much less tangible. Perhaps my constant need to question the path I'm walking has held me back, slowing my journey and putting me through more emotional turmoil than otherwise necessary. I suspect, however, that I'm just built this way, there's nothing to be done about it.

This letter isn't particularly political. I know people with Real Problems- worries over where their next meal, the new roof, the health insurance, the unemployment benefits, the job or the right to marry their partner will come from, if it comes at all. I'm lucky to be wallowing in a state of mild existential crisis. It will surely pass. And while I may wish I could go back and do a number of things differently, it is far more important to focus on my current situation and try to steer in a better direction. I want to find happiness, and I think that a big part of that, for me, is feeling good about what I do, and that requires a certain amount of constant questioning.

Do you find yourself doing the same thing with your own goals? I can't imagine that you have the luxury of being anywhere near as self-reflective as my lack of significance affords me. The importance of your job simply wouldn't permit it. But surely you have to take stock of things, occasionally, to measure your progress and question your course. Especially given the grim forecast for the midterms and the recent media narrative, I'd imagine you must be seriously considering your Presidency's goals and strategies. While I'm sure that conventional wisdom says you ought to be moving to the center, pandering to the vocal movement of intractable conservatism, I hope that you refuse to listen to it. You can't take back the promises you made in the campaign, or lower expectations before you took office. The only thing left to do is figure out a way to keep those promises and rise to those expectations- something that an ostensibly safe veer toward the center will never allow you.

Respectfully yours,

Kelsey

Day 216- Happy Birthday!

Dear Mr. President,

As it is your 49th birthday, and California progressives just scored a victory in the courtroom, I feel like today is going to be a pretty good day. Even the news sites seem to agree. Tom Friedman doesn't think America is completely done for. Maureen Dowd is writing about the tragic mediocrity of modern Romantic comedies so her life must be going pretty well. Tom Tancredo is actually getting out-crazied in Colorado. For once, reading the news site headlines doesn't make me despair for the future, so I'm going to hurry up and finish this letter before reality sinks in.

This was a small dark shadow on our election night victory; a sobering reminder that we had not completely won that night. A number of your supporters were subject to the bigotry and hypocrisy of this proposition, a law with no justification beyond irrational fear. That night might have been one big party for liberals, but I think most of us knew our joy could not be complete with proposition 8 on the books. Even if we weren't gay. Even if we weren't Californian. On that night that reminded so many how it felt to be proud of our country once again, it was impossible to deny that injustice against gay couples in California was still a reflection on all Americans. With today's decision, the parts of me that held back on election night are ready for their turn to celebrate. Tonight, I'll be raising a glass to the people who fought to see prop 8 defeated today. While I'm at it, I'll be toasting your Birthday, too. I am glad that you won the election, and, if I don't always think you do the best job of looking out for those left behind in your haste to be popular, I'll overlook it today. It's your Birthday, after all, and I think California is demonstrating that the constitutional commitment to justice and equality for all Americans is stronger than one unjust law or even one well-intentioned, if still imperfect, man.


Happy Birthday!

Respectfully yours,

Kelsey

Day 190- DOMA

Dear Mr. President,

I applaud Judge Joseph Tauro's decision to reject federal legislation against gay marriage. DOMA is a shameful relic of our country's bigoted past and should be repealed. I hope that the kind of wisdom he demonstrated in his decision will not go unheralded by your administration. This is another step, albeit much too small and much too slow, in the direction of equality and justice for gay and lesbian Americans. The arguments posed by proponents of DOMA during congressional debate simply do not stand up against evidence. Gay mariage is legal in Canada, South Africa, Sweden and many other European countries. As far as I know, these countries haven't experienced a tremendous breakdown in traditional mariages. The basic family unit has not been destroyed. Plagues of locusts have not descended. The fear and hatred expressed by those who feel threatened by the gay community is simply not based on anything resembling legitimate grounds.

In preparation for this letter I decided to read some pro-DOMA arguments, from news sites I don't normally visit. (This, by they way, is still your fault. Remember that commencement speech in Michigan?) This jewel, from world net daily, is what I found:

"President Obama has been actively promoting an agenda to undermine the nation's marriage laws," said Staver, who also is dean of Liberty University School of Law. "When you weaken the family, as President Obama is doing by his policies, you weaken society. Children fare best when raised with a mom and a dad. Redefining marriage to something it was not intended to be weakens the family and is not in the best interest of children or society. President Obama and Attorney General Eric Holder must defend the nation’s marriage laws. The Obama administration must defend DOMA, not sabotage the law."

I don't see how the speaker has made his case that your policies "weaken the family", or how this affects "children and society." I do find it amusing that these far-right nut jobs are attacking you for advancing the homosexual agenda when, no offense, your administration has moved pretty slowly on issues of gay rights. I suppose my point is that, if you're going to upset these people no matter what you do (and, let's face it, they weren't voting for you, anyway,) why not own the charges they make? Why not actually, vocally, publicly support repealing DOMA and granting marriage equality to homosexual couples? Civil rights issues shouldn't have to wait for a show of hands from every one; acceptance of interracial couples is still a problem for some people, but no one is arguing that we should let them steer national marriage policy for every one. If you're holding out for more public support, I think that's just poor leadership. Legalizing gay marriage is the right thing to do, and I think you know that. Why miss the opportunity to show that you're a courageous leader for the sake of voters who will blame you for it no matter how slowly the changes are made? I don't see what you gain, and I don't see how it is best for the country. I sincerely hope that you find the courage to stand up against DOMA, and to praise Judge Tauro for his wise decision.

Respectfully yours,

Kelsey

Day 178- Pride

Dear Mr. President,

The Space Needle, arguably the most easily recognized icon in our city, is flying a rainbow flag this week. This has, of course, caused its share of grumbling, but it makes me proud to be a Seattlite. I went to a high school in a small town where being gay was not acceptable. I saw the struggles of my gay, lesbian, bisexual and not-entirely-straight friends. Some bore the antipathy they received well. Some stayed in the closet, or, at least, out of the way. Personally, I was on a crusade to get the boys on my cross-country team to stop calling things they disliked "gay", and earned their annoyance and even the wrath of my coach, when I called him out about it, as well. This was only 6 years ago, and, while I'm sure that Arlington is a long way away from flying any rainbow flags of its own, every time I see the Space Needle, I'm reminded of how far we've come. I'm proud to live in a city that celebrates its gay community.

As a general rule, I don't date Republicans. I believe that people of different political opinions can be friends, can have mutual respect, but, for me, there are aspects of the Republican party's platform that are so contrary to my values, that I could never be in a relationship with a person who believes in them. The opposition to gay marriage is the most significant of these. One can argue the separation of politics and personal values to a point, but too many people I love are being kept from full rights as Americans because of who they love, and for me, that's as personal as it gets. If a person can cast a ballot for that kind of bigoted ignorance, or a candidate who perpetuates it, they have no place in my life.

Who we love and who we hate define who we are, and, as I am proud of my city for showing its love, I am ashamed of my country for being guided by those who hate. It is 2010, in a nation ostensibly founded on the promise of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. How is it still possible that two consenting adults in love cannot be allowed to marry? What does that say about us, as a nation? Isn't our freedom the root of our national pride? Patriotism is so difficult to muster in the face of such unapologetic hypocrisy. Flying a rainbow flag may be easy, but my state is also beginning to walk the walk legislatively, as well. It is too little, and it is too slow, but it is a lot better than the practices of the federal government.

I think that the opponents of gay marriage in this country need to hear some hard truths. Their fears are based in ignorance, their religions do not and must not dictate the laws of this land or the lives of other Americans. Their prejudices have no place in our legislation. We should repeal DOMA, because it is the right thing to do, and because it would give so many Americans cause to be proud of our country again.

Respectfully yours,

Kelsey

Day 171- The Most Important Job

As the father of two young daughters, I know that being a father is one of the most important jobs any man can have.

President Barack Obama, 6/20/2010

Dear Mr. President,

The most important job any man can have. I've never heard a better, or more heartbreaking description of fatherhood. This day has made me a bit sensitive for years, a dedicated celebration of a role that the my father never lived up to. This year it is particularly hard, both because my mother is facing the loss of her own dad, who had a massive stroke and will likely not live to see his 89th birthday in a few weeks, and because my best friend left today for the Peace Corps. I wanted to write about fatherhood, and all the men in my life who, with no bond of blood to compel them, supported me and encouraged me when I really needed it. I think your own childhood had similar experiences, but, as you said in your speech today, it is a hole that cannot ever be filled. My dad didn't leave, he wasn't physically absent, but, especially as I grew older, I often found myself needing a dad and finding that he was unwilling to be one. I've never wanted more from him than for him to just be my dad, to call me and ask about my day and tell me stories from his job and bad jokes. I may resent the hell out of his spending habits, his prioritizing new jewelry for my stepmother and motorcycles and caribbean cruises over any support for his daughters' education, I may think his law-and-order morality and republican voting record appalling, but at the end of the day, he's my dad, all he ever had to do was call me.

The worst part is the self-doubt. I know I could probably heal things, I could, again, be the one to call and we could talk again and it would be almost like I had a dad again. But I know it comes at much too high a cost, that I will always believe my obedience and submission and self-reproach is required for any one to love me. I would always question if I am too smart or too independent to be loved, if, one day, any slight offense, any violation of unspoken rules, would result in months, or even years of silence. My father had three girls and it was his most important job to be a father to us, to be good to our mother. How does any man justify walking away from that job?

Thank you, Mr. President, for reminding us how important that job is, to all of us. I am grateful for the number of father figures, friends, mentors, teachers, brothers, and the fathers who work so hard every day at it. Happy Father's day.

Respectfully yours,

Kelsey

Day 45

Dear Mr. President,

When I was a senior in high school, my AP English teacher assigned an essay on the nature of marriage. It was a challenging assignment for many of us with divorced families. Growing up, it often seemed that marriages would either end up bitterly broken, as my parents' had, or long slow, decays into mutual unhappiness or secret infidelity, as with most of the married couples I'd encountered. Marriage seemed like a prescription for disappointed hopes and heartbreak. As I've matured, I've witnessed maybe three truly happy marriages, and each one makes me hold my breath, terrified of the crash and burn I see as inevitable.

Back in high school I knew that looking for evidence that I was wrong about love would consume me in a way I'd never be comfortable with. It feels almost shameful, devoting so much of my energy to seeking out the validation from another person. I should be more self-reliant. I should have greater, grander plans. But I had to know, if only by constant trial, if it were possible that I was wrong. I've had my share of heartache in the process. I've seen my friends and family, men and women who I admire, brought down, broken by this feeling. We always bounce back. We always move on. People are practical, if not particularly romantic.

When I lived in DC I worked with a man who became my mentor, and his devotion to his wife, their loving union that seemed so natural and easy, challenged my preconceptions about marriage. What was most amazing to me was the nonchalance with which they viewed their happiness, as though married people who like each other were the most normal things in the world. Since then, I've seen a few more stereotype-defying couples. A monk in Jerusalem who left his whole life behind for the woman he loved. Childhood sweethearts who still glow at the sight of one another after 50 years. Even, or maybe, in light of your career, I should say especially, you and the First Lady. You two seem to be genuinely happy and in love, in a way that seems too real to conceivably be for the public's benefit. None of this, of course, is as simple and perfect as fictional romantic love, but still, it gives me hope. In a simple, silly way, I think I just need to be shown that love does last for those willing to work for it. I might never believe it, all the way. I might never feel secure in love. But I like the anomalies that keep the certainty of absolute cynicism at bay.

It's Valentine's Day, and I suppose I don't have anything better to say than thank you for being a role model in more ways than just your professional success. It means a lot, even to those of us who should be old enough, and experienced enough, to know better.

Respectfully yours,

Kelsey

Day 34

Dear Mr. President,

Repealing 'Don't Ask Don't Tell' is the right thing to do, and I'm glad you've made it a clear priority. Legalizing gay marriage is also the right thing to do; I hope in the coming months we hear more about it from your administration. I don't think marriage is an institution that exists between more than two people. That is to say, I don't think including other types of partnerships in the definition of marriage affects me & my hypothetical marriage. Otherwise, I'd argue that arranged marriages, or marriages that take place on reality shows, or pretty much anything that happens in Las Vegas, are all threats to the Institution itself.

Any one citing their religious traditions as the basis for their opposition to same-sex marriage, (and I am sorry to have to include you in this, Mr. President,) should, by their own logic, be equally opposed to any marriages outside of their religious tradition, which would seem to include, in your case, marriages between non-Christians. Since you don't seem to be calling for a ban on non-Christian marriages, I can only assume that your real reasons for your opposition to same-sex marriage are more complicated than you claim. I have a difficult time understanding this position on the issue, but I do appreciate that you, at least, don't seek to impose your religious views on the entire country. I still think you've got it wrong. I'm sorry, Mr. President, but I just don't see the same god that values love, and kindness, and consideration for others supporting the oppression of people because of who they love.

I hope that your administration continues to seek justice and equal rights for the gay community. I applaud your aggressive approach to repealing 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell, and I'm gratified to see it sparking a national discussion on the issue. I know many of my letters so far have been complaints about what you're doing wrong or not doing enough of, and I'm sure many of the letters to follow will be the same, but, for today, I just want you to know I think you're doing a good job.

Respectfully yours,

Kelsey