Friday, May 14, 2010

Day 134- One of us

Dear Mr. President,

John McCain really changed my mind about things, once I saw his new ad. If we build a wall along our entire border, we'll never have problems with drug trafficking or home invasions ever again. Build the wall, higher, stronger, and more formidable than any wall ever seen on this planet, and it will keep out all of those miscreants who risk their lives to sneak across our borders just to cause mischief. I was going to oppose the wall, me being a bleeding heart who thinks that all human life, regardless of geographic location, is equal, but John McCain set me straight.

My one concern with the wall is that it doesn't really stop the people in boats. I mean, people in boats sneak into this country all the time, so maybe we could wall off the coastlines, too? It might hurt tourism, but think of all the environmental benefits if humans were no longer allowed on any American beaches! And then there's Canada. Did I ever tell you how I crossed into the US from Canada illegally? It was on the Pacific Crest Trail, and I was 15. Let me tell you, it was way too easy. We should probably build a wall through there, too. It might hurt a few trees, upset a few migratory animals, but in the long run, it's what we have to do to keep the terrorists out.

One last concern; airplanes. I know, closing the airports to international flights seems like an easy fix, but what about parachutes? I don't want Mexicans HALO dropping into this country at night; they might make it past all of those lame desert states in the south and start taking our jobs here in the north. I'd imagine the Star Wars missile defense technology could help us here, but I'm not sure it's fully operational yet, so maybe we could make due with some giant trampolines? Or those spikes we put on window ledges to keep off the birds? My roommates want me to point out that electrifying the fence is an important step, but if Jurassic Park teaches us anything, it should be that we need a much more effective back-up system in the event of any power failures.

Once we've been effectively locked down, we'll have to go after the illegals already among us. (Especially once our import/export abilities are cut off by the coastal wall.) Maybe we could set up roadside stations, check every one's papers before we let them through? It might get kind of overwhelming for local law enforcement to do this alone, so we should probably staff these checkpoints with soldiers. (Actually, checkpoints is kind of an ugly, contentious word with all sorts of bad connotations, so let's call them "Citizenship defense stations.")

Anyway, what do you think? Are these the kind of comprehensive immigration solutions that will keep us safe from the dangerous onslaught of non-English-speaking killers flooding across into Arizona? Do you think that John McCain will let us be part of his club, now?

Respectfully yours,


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